


Lost and Found

by Lucy410



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:21:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27616166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lucy410/pseuds/Lucy410
Summary: An accident on Enterprise leaves everyone thinking Malcolm Reed is dead. When Archer and Malcolm are reunited, Archer's joy is tempered by the news that Malcolm has lost his memory.
Relationships: Jonathan Archer/Malcolm Reed
Kudos: 9
Collections: Reed's Armory Collection





	Lost and Found

**Author's Note:**

> Major character death mentioned

“I’ve seen Malcolm!” The words burst from Travis the moment he stepped through the door. His voice brought Trip to his feet and sudden inexplicable hope flared in his eyes, but the man at whom the sentence had actually been aimed remained seated.

“Malcolm’s dead.” The flat monotone of Archer’s voice cut through the air and the hope in Trip’s eyes faded. “We all heard him. You’re imagining things Travis.”

“It was him I know it.” Travis remained insistent, but Trip could see that the young man was already doubting himself.

“Every time I look up I think I see him,” Archer’s voice cracked as he spoke. “It’s been three months now, time to move on, to accept what happened.”

/But you haven’t/ Trip longed to say but his mouth remained shut. Ever since the accident there had been a growing gulf between the chief engineer and the captain. /Jon blames me for Malcolm’s death. I was the last one to see him. I checked and double-checked his equipment. Malcolm should have been safe./ Nothing that Archer said to Trip could equal the recriminations with which Trip loaded himself. /I must have missed something./

“Yes you must.” Archer, reading the guilt in Trip’s eyes made the comment, unheeding of the pain he caused his friend. Since Malcolm’s death Archer had found himself unable to bring himself to care about anything. Enterprise and her crew were back on Earth and Archer was counting down the days until the meeting which would see him relived of his command. It hadn’t been said by anyone but he knew it was coming. While a captain might be allowed a certain lassitude in grieving for a dead crew member, he was still supposed to stay resolutely in control of both his ship and his emotions. Archer had done neither...

“Sorry I’m late,” Malcolm’s precise tones heralded his entry to the senior staff meeting. “I was just trying to burn off that piece of chocolate cake I had last night.”

He’d obviously donned his uniform in something of a hurry and his hair was wet from his shower and Archer had to bite back the growl of animal lust that threatened to burst from his lips. Instead he greeted Malcolm with the smallest of smiles. “Perhaps now Lieutenant Reed has gifted us with his presence Sub-Commander T’pol would explain the situation to him.”

“I’m very sorry, sir.” Malcolm apologised again but he didn’t dare make eye contact with Archer. Their affair, no their relationship, Malcolm much preferred that term, was still fairly new and still a secret from the rest of the crew. He didn’t want to blow their cover just yet. He barely listened as T’pol started to talk but the seriousness of the situation was such that he had to drag himself away from some very pleasant day dreams.

“Like a barnacle,” Travis suggested.

“Exactly.” Archer nodded. “Except that this barnacle isn’t just hitching a ride, it’s feeding off the ship.”

“All lower decks have been reporting power fluctuations all morning,” Trip added. “Both the warp and impulse engines are off line. Weapons too.” He glanced at Malcolm. “We’re dead in the water.”

Malcolm shot a sideways glance at Trip. The two men had been discussing navel terminology the day before, but Malcolm had to admit it was an apt description.

“Barnacles can be prised off.” He was pleased to be able to contribute something to the discussion. “I’d need to see the sensor readings but perhaps a few explosive charges...” He tailed off, suddenly aware that everyone was staring at him.

“T’pol, Trip, Malcolm, I want you to work together. See if we can scrape this barnacle off our hull.” Archer’s eyes were serious. “I need an answer before these power fluctuations get any worse.” As if to emphasise his words the lights in the room dimmed visibly.

An hour later Malcolm was standing to attention in front of Archer explaining his plan.

”...so we’ll lose a small section of the hull but Commander Tucker doesn’t think that’s an insurmountable problem.”

Archer was nodding. “Good work, Malcolm.”

“Considering the frequency of the power drain I should probably get started.”

“You?” There was shock on Archer’s face.

“I’m the most qualified.”

“I’m not doubting your abilities, just your safety.”

Malcolm wanted to reach out and take Archer’s hand but surrounded by the other senior staff he restrained himself.

“It’s not like I haven’t done this sort of thing before,” he reminded the captain. His intended reassurance hadn’t worked, if anything Archer now looked even more worried.

“Captain...” Trip started to speak but Archer raised a hand and Trip fell silent.

“Everyone out,” he’d spoken more brusquely than he’d intended. “I need to speak to Lieutenant Reed.”

Once the others had filed from the room Archer stepped over to Malcolm and took the man’s hands. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“I’ll be fine, Jon,” the rest of what Malcolm had wanted to say was lost in a passionate embrace and for a few moments Malcolm closed his eyes and allowed Jon to become the only thing in his world. The attraction between them had been a long time developing and it had taken even longer for both men to acknowledge the fact, but now Malcolm knew they would be together for the rest of their lives.

They broke apart and Malcolm forestalled Archer’s comment. “I’ll be careful, I promise.”

Jon nodded but his hazel eyes were still clouded with fear. “There’s something I want to tell you.”

“Tell me when I’m back.” Malcolm pressed his lips against Archer’s and stepped away reluctantly.

#

Malcolm had been outside the ship for just over two hours. At Archer’s request he had an open comm line with the bridge, so that even the quiet thunks as he placed the charges could be heard.

/Thunk/ That was it, the last charge. Malcolm would now have to retreat, attached to Enterprise only by a thin line, in order to blow the charges.

“Trip.” The lights on the bridge were glowing dimly now.

“I’m sorry, Captain,” there was evident frustration in the Engineer’s voice. “I’m barely maintaining life support as it is.”

“We need to have something, even if it’s only the transporter.”

“Malcolm’s fine. I checked his equipment myself.” 

Trip was interrupted by Malcolm, his voice unusually strained and formal. “I’m ready to blow the charges. Commander Tucker, is the forcefield ready?”

“Got just enough juice left to run it. We’ve evacuated and sealed that section just in case. Good luck.”

“Thank you.” There were two faint rasps, the sound of Malcolm detaching his feet from the hull of the ship. “Prepare for detonation in three. One.. two.. three.”

Enterprise shook, forcing the crew to hold themselves steady on their stations.

“Lieutenant Reed, report!” Archer was sitting forward in his chair, his knuckles white as he clasped his hands into fists. “Malcolm!”

“I’m fine, sir.” The crew could hear nothing for a few seconds then a muffled, “Bloody hell!”

“Malcolm!” Archer was on his feet.

“My line’s been cut. I don’t know how it happened. I’m drifting in space.” Malcolm sounded overawed rather than frightened, his voice seemed fainter somehow.

“Trip!” Archer barked, “I need you to do something.”

“I’m trying!” There was a startled yell. “Dammit!”

There was a pause while Archer struggled to control his emotions. His lover was drifting in space and there was nothing he could do to save him.

“Malcolm, hold on, we’ll come for you.”

“I know that, sir but just in case you don’t make it I need to say something.”

“We’ll make it.” Archer said fiercely.

“Nevertheless, sir.” Malcolm’s voice was definitely growing fainter. “I wanted to say, Jon, I...”

Silence, cloying thick as fog silence, Malcolm was gone.

“Malcolm!” The cry that broke from Archer’s throat was raw and primal, fat tears were rolling down his face but Archer wasn’t alone in his grief. Only T’pol was still stony-faced.

“Commander Tucker, how long before we have impulse engines back?” The sub-commander snapped and Archer turned towards her, sudden hope in his eyes.

“At least two hours,” Trip’s voice sounded flat and cold to Archer’s ears. “The power drainage shorted out some of the relays, they all need to be replaced.”

“How much oxygen does Malcolm have?” Travis, daring to ask the question they were all thinking.

“Not enough,” T’pol replied calmly.

“What about the shuttlepods?” Hoshi this time.

“In bits for maintenance,” Trip admitted. “I didn’t imagine we’d be needing them any time soon.”

Archer in all this time still had not spoken, the tears were no longer flowing down his face and in fact there was practically no emotion there at all. Abruptly he strode across the bridge to the turbo-lift.

“Captain...”

But whatever T’pol had been about to say was left unheard as Archer disappeared from view.

#

The raw pain inside was almost too much to bear. How could Malcolm just be gone like that? 

“Trip!”

The blonde-haired man spun round as he heard his name bellowed across engineering.

“Jon.” Immediately Trip handed his padd to one of his crew and hurried towards the Captain. “Mal.. I can’t quite believe it.”

It was a toss-up as to who was more shocked, Trip or his crew, as Archer’s fist connected with Trip’s jaw, sending him flying backwards. Trip didn’t have time to regain his feet before Archer started advancing on him, murder in his eyes.

“You killed him.”

“It was an accident.” Trip had managed to get himself upright and was now backing slowly away from Archer.

“No. You checked his equipment and now he’s dead.”

Archer was by now on top of Trip, driving his fist into his face again and again. The crew gathered around, too shocked to try to intervene.

“Restrain the captain.” The order came from a newly arrived T’pol and two burly security guards stepped forward to haul Archer away.

Trip, bloodied, one eye already closed looked up at T’pol. “Thanks.”

She extended an arm and gingerly Trip climbed to his feet.

All rage for the moment gone Archer hung limply between the two security men, staring into space.

T’pol regarded him dispassionately. “Are you hurt?”

“No.” Trip had made no attempt to defend himself.

“Escort the Captain to his quarters.”

“No.” Archer shook his head. “I want to go to Malcolm’s quarters.”

“Very well.” T’pol nodded discreetly and the two security men let Archer precede them out of engineering.

“Commander Tucker, can I suggest you get Doctor Phlox to treat your injuries.”

“When I’m done here. I want to get the engines back on-line.”

“Do you think Captain Archer was justified in his accusation?” T’pol caught Trip’s arm to stop him from leaving.

“Don’t you? I know everyone’s thinking it. I sure as hell am.” The guilt was there in Trip’s eyes.

“It was an accident,” T’pol pointed out. “The crew will follow your lead if you lead them.”

“I don’t know, T’pol. Jon is...”

“In no fit state to remain in command of Enterprise.”

#

Malcolm’s quarters, there was something special about being here even though as a couple they’d never spent much time here. It was too cramped for one thing.

/Barely room to swing a cat/ that was how Malcolm had described it and then hastily added that he wasn’t advocating cruelty to animals, Archer had laughed and Malcolm had blushed.

There was a book lying on the bunk, one of Malcolm’s favourites and one he’d never read. He was just about to commence reading when the door slid open and a small tan and white body trotted into the room. Porthos looked up at Archer and barked.

“I thought you might like some company, Captain,” the security man said before stepping away from the door.

Archer automatically reached out to scratch Porthos’s ears and the beagle whined. “I’m afraid Malcolm’s not here,” Archer told him and then the tears started falling once again.

For a long time after that Enterprise had been in a state of turmoil. They had spent weeks looking for Malcolm’s body. A Vulcan ship, obviously wondering what Enterprise was doing had hailed them but Archer, whose grief although no longer as raw, was still intense, ignored them. When the message from Starfleet came, ordering them to return to Earth Archer ignored that too, although T’pol had reluctantly taken command and told Travis to set a course for home. They hadn’t found Malcolm’s body and subsequently a rumour had started among the crew that Malcolm was still alive. Trip had overheard two ensigns discussing it in engineering one day and he’d done his best to squash it. The last thing the struggling captain needed at the moment was false hope.

Towards that end he’d organised a memorial service, an opportunity for his fellow crewmen to say goodbye. When he had hesitantly approached Jon he’d expected a refusal but instead Archer had said that yes he’d be a part of it. He’d spoken for some time about Malcolm, his loyalty, his dedication and Trip looking round at the assembled crew knew that this was what had been needed. To finish Archer had read a few lines from an ancient Earth poem. His voice, previously steady, suddenly faltered as he read. ‘I hold it true, whate’er befall;/I feel it when I sorrow most;/’Tis better to have loved and lost/ Than never to have loved at all.’

That made Trip look up, startled. The pain on Archer’s face was clear and that one verse spoke volumes about what Archer and Malcolm had meant to each other. Trip wanted to kick himself, how could he have been so blind? There had been, he realised, a thousand little clues, and he hadn’t picked up on any of them. The rest of the crew were also putting one and one together if the exchange of glances was anything to go by.

“I didn’t lose a colleague,” Archer was speaking now, hands clenched at his sides. “I didn’t even lose a friend. I lost the man I loved.” Archer’s voice was calm and steady. “Malcolm brought a joy to my life that I know I’ll never forget and I don’t regret one moment of the time I spent with him.”

There was a thunder of applause as Archer sat down. Almost all of the crewmen closest to Trip had tears in their eyes. But Trip didn’t have to see the crewmen’s faces or hear the whispered comments of those nearest to him to know that Archer had made a good choice in deciding to reveal how he truly felt about Malcolm. He’d heard the covert mutterings about the captain, surprisingly it had been T’pol who had relayed most of them to his ears, and he’d had to wonder how far away the ship was from an actual mutiny. Luckily there seemed little fear of that now.

The service seemed to have had a cathartic effect on Archer and that afternoon he had taken his seat on the bridge.

#

“We all miss Malcolm.” Trip looked up at Travis. “Hell, since we’ve been back on Earth I’ve imagined I’ve seen him about a dozen times.”

“You may well have done.” Somehow Admiral Gardiner had managed to enter the room unnoticed.

Trip was just about to tell the admiral what he thought of him when he caught Archer’s eye.

“Lieutenant Reed’s alive.”

“Is this some kind of sick joke?” Trip retorted, bounding to his feet. “Don’t you think Jon’s been through enough?”

“Your loyalty is admirable, Commander, but Malcolm Reed is alive.”

There was the tiniest flicker of hope in Archer’s eyes and he looked up towards the admiral.

“The Vulcan’s picked him up just after his oxygen ran out.”

“Then why didn’t they tell us?” Trip demanded.

“Their hails were ignored. Lieutenant Reed was very ill so they decided to make no further attempts to contact you and brought him back here.”

Archer had risen to his feet and his gaze went to the door. “Malcolm!”

Gods, there he was. Trip took a step towards Archer but the man was already at the door, stepping out to envelope Malcolm in a bone-crushing hug. From where Trip was standing he could see the confusion and discomfort on Malcolm’s face.

“Admiral?”

“He has no memory of being on Enterprise or of any of you.” There was a look of compassion on the admiral’s face and he stepped forward to put a gentle hand on Archer’s shoulder. “Jon.”

At the man’s prompting Archer relinquished his hold on his lover but Trip winced when he saw the look on Archer’s face.

“Lieutenant, this is Captain Archer, Sub-Commander T’pol, Commander Tucker, Ensign Hoshi Sato and Ensign Travis Mayweather. You all served together on the Enterprise.”

Malcolm nodded politely at each person in turn but he showed no sign of recognition for any of his crew mates. “I hope you won’t take it the wrong way if I say I don’t remember you.”

“Admiral, I’d like some time alone with Malcolm.” Archer spoke but the admiral shook his head.

“Not going to happen, Jon. Malcolm’s still in recovery.”

“Sir!” The look on Archer’s face made Trip think that somehow this was more cruel than Malcolm’s actual death had been. Standing opposite a lover who had no memory of what they had meant to each other must be killing the captain.

“I’ll talk to him,” Malcolm said, and inwardly Trip smiled, somehow the fact that Malcolm seemed to be displaying empathy towards Archer gave him hope. It must have been the same for Archer because the man was smiling although it dimmed a little at Malcolm’s next words. “But not alone.”

“I’ll be chaperone.” Trip offered quickly, he wasn’t really sure if he wanted to play gooseberry but it seemed only fair given his part in the whole debacle.

“Very well.” The admiral gestured to the other crewmembers and they filed silently out of the room, leaving Trip, Malcolm, and Archer alone.

Malcolm was standing to attention and Trip sighed. “Sit down, Mal.”

The lieutenant shot the commander an odd look but he complied, sinking down into the chair that had recently been occupied by Hoshi.

“I’ve read all the reports,” Malcolm commented into the silence that filled the room. “Enterprise sounds like quite the ship. I wish I could remember having served aboard her.”

“You don’t remember anything?” Archer seemed disinclined to speak so Trip asked the question that he knew his friend wanted the answer to.

“No, sir.” Malcolm shook his head. “I’m afraid I don’t.”

“You don’t remember us?” Archer’s voice was too loud, too forceful and Malcolm shrank back in his chair.

“By us you mean...”

“We were a couple, Malcolm.” Frustration coloured Archer’s tone and Trip wondered if he should put an end to the conversation before it became too distressing for either man.

"A couple? As in two people romantically involved?" Malcolm looked first at Archer, and then Trip. "That sounds unlikely"

Trip was surprised to see the wan smile on Archer's face.

"I know it seems unlikely, but we were."

Malcolm looked at the captain, and from his vantage point Trip could see the sympathetic look on the man's face. Could Jon see it? His friend was hurting so badly that it was entirely possible that he couldn't.

"You thought I was dead?"

Trip smiled. "We had a memorial service and everything."

"Oh." Malcolm sat back in his chair and Trip watched as a myriad of emotions played across his face. Trip was pretty sure that the next words Malcolm spoke were words he hadn't intended to say out loud. "Was it well attended?"

Trip cut his laughter short when he saw the expression on Archer's face.

"Hard as it may be to believe, Lieutenant, a lot of the crew on Enterprise liked and respected you. Hell, we were friends."

"Friends? Are you sure?"

Malcolm sounded so completely amazed by that thought that Trip was unable to stop himself from laughing again.

"It sounds as though serving on Enterprise was..."

"Fun?"

"Difficult," Malcolm finished. The man rose smoothly to his feet. "Sir." He turned to Captain Archer. "I don't want to doubt your word but I find it hard to believe that I would ever try to initiate a relationship with a superior." Malcolm blushed. "Much less the captain."

Archer shook his head, the expression on his face couldn't have been any more hang-dog if he'd tried.

Malcolm, now that he was standing, looked decidedly ill at ease. His eyes flicked from man to man and then to the door. He wanted to escape from this uncomfortable situation. Trip didn't feel he could blame him.

The door, at which Malcolm was staring so longingly, slid open.

"How's the chat going?" Admiral Gardiner smiled, but the smile soon disappeared as he became aware of the atmosphere in the room. "Commander?"

"Its goin' about as well as could be expected," Trip drawled. "I'm afraid we've been unable to jog Malcolm's memory, even a little bit."

"Well, it's early days. You can't expect to just bounce back from something like this." Admiral Gardiner stepped forward and gave Malcolm's shoulder a friendly squeeze. "Go on, Lieutenant. You're needed back in the infirmary."

"Thank you, Sir."

Malcolm's look of relief as he all but bolted from the room was clear to Trip and, given the stricken look on Archer's face, it was clear to him too.

For some time neither man said anything. Archer was still facing towards the door as though hoping that Malcolm would come back. There was an intense look on his face and Trip could practically see the thoughts racing through his head.

"That didn't go as I was hoping." Trip finally spoke to break the silence.

Instead of replying Archer stood up and left the room, leaving Trip to shake his head and hope that Archer wasn't about to do anything stupid.

#

Since Enterprise had been temporarily grounded, mostly so Trip could fix the mess he'd been forced to make in order to try and get her home, most of the crew had scattered, gone to visit family and friends. Of course Trip had to stay behind to work and he had made sure to apologise profusely to the crew he'd asked to work with him. The only other Enterprise crew left behind at headquarters were Archer, who spent most of his time locked away in the office he'd been given, and Malcolm, still under medical supervision.

Eventually and somewhat unexpectedly, one day Trip looked up from his work to find Archer watching him.

"I wasn't expecting you. Are you being hassled to get us underway?" Trip climbed to his feet. "Cos if you are I have to tell you I'm struggling to get the engine fighting fit."

"It's not that." Archer smiled, although the smile didn't reach his eyes, and he looked around, examining every surface, until he finally turned back to Trip. "I came to say sorry for blaming you after the accident. I hurt you and that was unforgivable. Also, I wanted to say goodbye."

"Goodbye?" Trip all but banged the padd he was holding down on his desk. "Has Admiral Gardiner said something? Do I need to get involved?"

Archer reached out and patted Trip on the shoulder. "I appreciate the support but it won't be necessary. I made the decision to leave and to his credit, Admiral Gardiner actually tried to talk me out of it."

"You know I'm gonna try too."

Archer smiled. "I know, but I'm going to tell you not to waste your breath. I've made up my mind, Trip. This is something I have to do."

"But why?" Trip demanded. "I never dreamt you'd walk away from Enterprise."

Archer smiled again, but this time it was tinged with sadness. "If you think about it, you'll be able to work out why."

"Malcolm? This is because of Malcolm?" Trip shook his head. "Why?"

"When I thought Malcolm was dead I realised I would give up everything just to have him back. Now I have him back."

"If you can call it that. He doesn't remember ever having been on Enterprise, or ever having been your lover."

"And he made it pretty clear he isn't going to indulge in a relationship with Captain Archer." Archer spoke the words so Trip wouldn't have to say them.

"It's like his brain has been reset, maybe if we wait it out you can change his mind, like you did the first time round."

"I thought about that," Archer admitted. "But the set of circumstances that led Malcolm to the point where he could allow himself to fall in love with me were very unique." Archer shook his head. "I couldn't put him through something like that again. I saw the look in his eyes while we were talking, he doesn't really believe deep down that I love him. That I could love him. Maybe my resignation will convince him."

Trip looked at his friend. He had known Archer for long enough to know that he could never argue him out of his decision. So instead, Trip smiled and stuck out his hand. "I'll miss you, we all will."

He shouldn't have been surprised when Archer pulled him in for a hug. "Look after Enterprise for me."

"You don't even have to ask. Anything else?"

"Could you deliver a letter for me?"

"To Malcolm?" Trip grinned. "It would be an honour."  
#

It was three days before Trip was able to get away from Enterprise. He took Shuttlepod One with the excuse of needing to source more parts for the repairs. The short trip was taken up with thoughts of Malcom and the friendship they had shared, despite their obvious differences. It had been bizarre seeing Malcolm again after they had all assumed him dead, wonderful but bizarre. It had felt as though he were looking at a stranger.

He thought too about Archer and what the older man was giving up in order to prove his love. It might not even work, he'd said, hating himself for it. Later, after Archer had gone, he had tried to convince himself that, after all, Malcolm was still Malcolm.

"He just needs to trust in Jon," Trip muttered to himself. "If he does that there's hope."

He had worried that finding Malcolm would be difficult but, pending being passed fit for duty, Malcolm had been assigned a room in one of the enlisted blocks and a pretty female ensign had shown Trip the way.

"Commander Tucker." Malcolm had sounded surprised. "I thought Enterprise had gone."

"Still tryin' to repair the damage that barnacle did. Also, you can call me Trip. We're friends, remember."

That made Malcolm smile. "That's just it, Com... I mean, Trip, I still don't remember any of my time onboard Enterprise."

"You can remember other things though? Your memory's not a completely blank slate?"

"Everything but Enterprise." Malcolm shrugged. "The doctors keep telling me to go home. Get some r and r." Malcolm shook his head.

"You told me about your parents, Malcolm." Trip scowled. "You're better off here."

"We really were friends." Malcolm looked at Trip. "Did you know about me and... and..."

"Not at the time. I did know you seemed happier, Jon too. Afterwards I asked myself how I'd managed to miss all the signs. With hindsight they were as clear as day."

"Oh." Malcolm had retreated back into his room and he sank down on the nearest chair. "I don't know what to think about any of this."

Trip followed him. He couldn't help from feeling that giving Malcolm Jon's letter would only make things worse for the man. "I promised."

"What?"

"Look, Mal." Trip sunk down opposite Malcolm. "The only thing that I can say is that I know Jon loved you, he still does."

Malcolm glanced up.

"He gave me something." Trip passed the padd to Malcolm. "You know he's resigned?"

"No, I didn't know." Malcolm looked troubled. "Why would he do that?"

Trip tapped the padd that Malcolm was still holding. "I think the answer's in there."

#

He had asked the transport to drop him a good mile away from the ranch. There were sturdy walking boots on his feet and he'd made the decision to leave his uniform behind in San Francisco, it would just confuse matters and there was so much confusion in his mind anyway, he didn't need to introduce any more.

He had watched the recording that the padd contained. In fact he had watched it several times through, searching for some artifice, for anything that would give him an excuse to walk away, but there was nothing.

The raw grief in the captain's voice when he spoke about losing Malcolm, about losing him, couldn't have been feigned. It was the last sentence that stayed with him.

"And so that's it, Malcolm, I need you to know how much I care, how much I want you. But I don't want you to feel as though I'm pressuring you. If you want to you can find me and then we can talk. If not, well that will be my answer and my only wish will be that you can be as happy as you made me."

His initial reaction had been to simply ignore Archer's plea, but he had watched the recording a second time and then a third and the niggling scratch at the back of his mind was becoming harder and harder to ignore. He had spent days pursuing it, wondering if perhaps it might be the thread that could unravel all of his memories but in the end it had left him frustrated and still unable to recall anything that had happened to him while on Enterprise.

Then, daringly, he had tried to imagine Archer whispering sweet nothings into his ear while the man made love to him. Unfortunately that line of thought had left Malcolm more distressed and confused than ever.

He couldn't deny that Archer was attractive, maybe that was why he had overridden his first instinct to come looking for him. And there was the fact that everyone at Starfleet he spoke to had expressed amazement at Archer's resignation. If what the man had told him was true, he had resigned in some complicated attempt to prove to Malcolm how much he loved him. That sort of gesture deserved a response, although even now Malcolm had no idea what that response was going to be.

He still wouldn't let himself believe that Archer had ever loved him but there was something, something that he couldn't define, drawing him towards Archer. 

Malcolm, a frown on his face, set his feet to the uphill path that led to the ranch, perhaps he would know what to do when he got there.

#

"Jon. Visitor."

The shout from one of the stable hands caught his attention and Archer paused in the grooming of his favourite chestnut mare to glance over towards the access road.

His heart stuttered in his chest at the sight of the slim figure walking up the road.

"Stan." He beckoned to the stable hand. "Could you put Jewel back in her box?" Then he vaulted over the paddock railing and all but ran towards Malcolm.

As he got closer Archer slowed his steps. Malcolm hadn't noticed him yet, the man's eyes were focused on his feet and there was a troubled expression on his face. There was no bag on his shoulder and Archer frowned, it looked as though Malcolm was not intending to make his stay a long one.

"Malcolm!" He couldn't help himself, he had to call out to the man.

Malcolm's head came up and he stopped walking. The two men stared at each other in silence. Then Archer started towards Malcolm, his movements slow and cautious. Getting nearer the confusion on Malcolm's face was clear. He would have to take things very slowly if he wasn't going to spook the younger man.

"I wasn't sure you'd come." Close enough to be heard Archer stopped again. This was so hard. He wanted to envelop Malcolm in a bone- crushing hug, he wanted to make love to him until they fell asleep wrapped up together, the way they had done so many times in what now felt like another life. But he couldn't, he had to let it be Malcolm who made the first move, there was no other way.

"Sir," there was a distinct tremor in Malcolm's voice and while the man looked up he didn't make eye contact.

"I resigned, Malcolm. Jon is fine."

Malcolm did look at him properly then. "I suppose that's what I called you when we were alone, before I mean."

"It is. You never slipped up, you never called me Jon when we were on duty."

Perhaps that was the wrong thing to have said, because once again Malcolm looked as though he were preparing to run away.

"Would you like to come riding with me? I know you can ride."

That comment made Malcolm smile and ignited a little spark of hope in Archer.

"I doubt very much that you have a decent English saddle anywhere."

Archer grinned and ducked his head. "Nope." He looked back up with a smile. "Think you can manage without?"

"Is that a challenge?"

"If you're up to it." Archer found he couldn't stop smiling. The Malcolm he remembered was smiling at him.

"Lead the way."

Archer nodded and turned, taking the road leading towards the stables. Malcolm, walking behind like a shadow. He turned round once to smile but otherwise contented himself with listening to the sounds of Malcolm's boots behind him.

When they made it to the yard, Stan was waiting for them.

"Thought you might be wanting Jewel." Stan handed over the mare's reins with a wink.

Archer smiled. "Thanks."

"Is that him?" Stan glanced over to where Malcolm was standing, drinking in his surroundings as he waited for Archer.

Archer nodded, searching his pockets for some carrots for Jewel. "That's Malcolm."

"Not bad looking is he?" Stan teased. "I think your dad would have approved."

"I don't know, Stan. Maybe."

"Your dad wanted you to be happy, Jon. Do you think he's the one?"

Archer smiled. "I think so."

Stan reached out to clap Archer on the shoulder. "Well, there you go. That would be enough for your dad. He was a good man."

"And so are you."

"Here." Stan passed a saddle bag across. "Just a few things you might be needing." He winked and chuckled. "Oh, I saddled Satan. Think Malcolm will be able to handle him?"

Archer chuckled. "I don't think he'll have a problem somehow."

Stan nodded. "Take care, Jon. I hope you two sort things out."

"So." Malcolm sauntered across the yard to join Archer once Stan had gone. "Which horse is mine?"

Archer pointed to the black quarter horse that Stan was leading out of his box. "His name's Satan." Archer smiled at the look of dismay on Malcolm's face. "He's the gentlest horse we have, name notwithstanding."

Malcolm smiled as Satan nudged at his arm and reached out to rub his hand down the horse's glossy neck. "He's beautiful."

Just like you, Archer wanted to respond, but he bit his lip and watched as Malcolm checked the cinch.

"Let's see how you go, boy,' Malcolm murmured. Then he swung himself up into the saddle.

"You've done that before."

"I took a few lessons," Malcolm admitted. "Before I came to Starfleet. I never did get to do any riding though, until now. Never thought I'd be riding with the captain."

"I'm not your captain anymore, Malcolm."

Archer swung himself up onto Jewel but he didn't miss the sideways look that Malcolm gave him. Carefully he focused on his hands, they weren't shaking, not really. He urged Jewel forward with a gentle squeeze of his legs and Malcolm followed.

They rode in silence for some time. Every so often Archer would steal a glance at Malcolm, the expression on his face seemed to indicate awe in his surroundings, was this a good thing?

"Malcolm..."

"Jon..."

They spoke at the same time and another silence fell between them.

Eventually Archer broke it. "I'm glad you came."

"I almost didn't."

That made Archer's stomach lurch.

"What changed your mind?"

Malcolm halted Satan and stared at the ground for a few moments.

"I don't know."

Archer had stopped Jewel next to Satan and the two men stared at each other.

"I still have no memory of the time I was on Enterprise and being with you." Malcolm blushed. "But I always did appreciate a good romance." He clicked to Satan and the large horse began walking again.

Archer sat and stared. His stomach lurched again but with hope this time.  
#

"Why did we start a sexual relationship."

The two men had been riding in silence for half an hour with Archer leading the way. He wondered if Malcolm would notice the fact that his entire body had tensed.

"As I said earlier I can't see any time when I would think it appropriate to start a relationship with a superior officer. Something must have happened to change my mind." Malcolm paused. "I read all the mission reports but there was nothing in them that would answer my question."

"You read the mission reports?"

"The doctors thought it might give my memory a nudge, it didn't."

The two horses had by now come to the end of the narrow path they had been following uphill. The scrubby trees on either side faded into nothing and a wide meadow stretched out in front of them. Archer pulled Jewel to a halt.

"This is one of my favourite places. I think if we're going to have this conversation this would be a good place to have it."

Malcolm nodded but there was a look of apprehension on his face.

Jewel and Satan were happy to have their saddles removed and to be allowed to wander out across the meadow.

On foot Archer led Malcolm across to where a shallow hollow in the ground made a comfortable place to sit and the two men settled down, side by side but an arm's width apart.

"I'm going to make a confession," Archer said, once he and Malcolm were seated. "And it's something I never told you."

"I'm intrigued."

Archer puffed out his cheeks as he gazed out at the view. "By the time you came aboard Enterprise I'd already fallen in love with you. I spent a long time after that trying to convince myself that I was wrong, that I didn't love you."

"But you didn't tell me? Why not?" Malcolm sounded vaguely intrigued and Archer stole a look. To his eyes Malcolm looked tense, nervous and Archer found himself remembering the first time he had met the man, and his heart ached.

"I was afraid that you would think that I manipulated you into the relationship. Used my position as captain to coerce you.'

Malcolm looked up from his contemplation of the ground, straight into Archer's eyes. "Did you?"

"No." He could see that Malcolm believed him and the knot of anxiety in his stomach eased a little. "You read the report on the trouble we had with a pre-warp civilisation?"

Malcolm coloured. "Yes."

Once we were safe you came to my quarters. You were so sweet, you had a whole rambling speech that you launched into as soon as the door opened. You even tore a strip off me for trying to trade my life for yours." Archer smiled, it was a bittersweet memory. "You said that it was only when you were about to lose me, that you realised how much you not only respected me but how much you liked me, how much you wanted me."

Malcolm nodded, Archer could see the man was storing away the information.

"You stepped towards me, so close I could feel your breath, and then you told me that sometimes you would lie awake thinking about me, wondering if you would ever be brave enough to do what you were doing right now."

Next to him Malcolm was fidgeting. "What happened next?"

"I kissed you," Archer admitted. "And you kissed me back." Archer scooted sideways, closer to Malcolm. "You want a blow by blow account of what happened next?"

Malcolm coloured and stood up, walking away from Archer, it was clear the man was being careful to keep his back turned.

Was he disgusted or aroused? Archer really wanted to know the answer to that question, but it was still too early to push Malcolm. Archer knew well enough that any overt advances on his part would make Malcolm run for the hills.

He was starting to think that his words must have upset Malcolm when the man turned and came back towards Archer so fast that for a moment he was afraid Malcolm was going to hit him.

Instead Malcolm kissed him. For an ecstatic moment Archer closed his eyes and relished the kiss. It was wonderful, overwhelming, all the more because Archer had feared that Malcolm would never kiss him again.

Reluctant but not wanting to push his luck Archer broke the contact. "Mal..."

But Malcolm kissed him again, this time pressing his body against Archer so the older man could feel just how aroused Malcolm was. Then Malcolm's hands were on him, pulling at his clothing and Archer gave in to Malcolm's need and his own.

The two men spent a long time exploring each other. Archer kept having to remind himself that while the feel of Malcolm under his hands, under his body was achingly familiar, to Malcolm it was a brand new experience.

Eventually they fell asleep, wrapped up together as though they could never again be parted.

When he woke Archer could see the sky was just beginning to pinken with the dawn, but when he rolled over he found Malcolm was gone.

He dressed with speed. Both Jewel and Satan were grazing a short distance away, so it was unlikely that the man had gone far.

A few metres away a narrow ridge rose from the ground, the rising sun was coming up on the other side. Archer squinted up at the top of the ridge and saw a figure, standing in silhouette.

"Malcolm."

As he drew closer Archer could hear the man sobbing, fear and concern hastened his steps.

"Malcolm?"

The man turned towards him, tears streaming down his face and although Archer wanted desperately to comfort him, a little voice was telling him to hold back.

"I'm sorry, so sorry."

Archer was struggling to work out what exactly had upset Malcolm. "You don't have to apologise to me. Last night..."

"Was perfect." Malcolm made an attempt to wipe his face. "I felt like I was home. For the first time in my life I felt safe."

Archer smiled.

"What? Is that the wrong thing to say?"

"It's exactly what you said to me the first time together, on Enterprise."

Curiosity had taken the place of tears. "How much did I tell you, about my past?"

"Not much. I told myself you would tell me in your own time. After you died Trip filled in some of the blanks for me."

"Did it bother you that I told Trip?"

Archer sighed. "At first I was angry, but I decided that you must have had your reasons. You would have told me, eventually."

Malcolm nodded. "I wish I could remember us, I wish I had the good memories not just the bad."

Archer took a step towards Malcolm. "Is last night a bad memory?"

Malcolm looked hurt. "It's the best memory I've got."

Another cautious step. "We can make more of those. You just need to give me a chance, give us a chance." Archer smiled. "We could have a whole lifetime of good memories."

"A whole lifetime." Malcolm sounded wistful. "I'd like that."

Archer reached out and took Malcolm's hand. This, he reflected, was what made it all worthwhile. Standing hand in hand with the man he loved, nothing could be better than that. For a long time he had feared Malcolm was lost to him.

"But I found you." 

"We found each other." Malcolm smiled and pulled Archer in for a kiss.


End file.
